Seeking Support During Infertility

Seeking Support During Infertility

By Mary P. Riddle, Ph.D.

Published in the 4th Quarter issue of Resolve, the newsletter of the National Infertility Association, Winter, 2006


“Nobody understands how I feel”

“I think I would feel worse talking about my infertility with a bunch of strangers”

“I think the best way to cope is just to keep it to myself….that way I can’t feel worse than I do now”


Sound familiar?  These are the thoughts of several women who were considering group therapy to help them deal with the emotional roller coaster of infertility. Many women who have experienced infertility can identify with these statements and have felt this way at some point during their experience.  The pain of infertility can be so intense that it seems impossible to believe it could be relieved by sharing it with other people.  It’s not uncommon for women to open up to friends and family only to feel distressed, frustrated, and angry.  One of the most difficult challenges infertility patients face is the well-intended advice from friends and relatives that can sometimes hurt rather than help.  Because infertility can be such a lonely experience, it is doubly disappointing to have a loved one give advice that actually makes someone feel worse.  Often women end up blaming themselves for something that is beyond their control.  Comments about “relaxing” or “just adopting” can create a situation where the person experiencing infertility withdraws even further instead of reaching out for support.  However, women may never need as strong of a support system as they do during this very difficult time in their lives.  I would like to talk briefly about stress during infertility and how seeking support can reduce this stress and promote better coping skills and an improved overall sense of well-being.

Experiencing infertility is a tremendously stressful experience.  Yet how often have you heard the phrase “just relax” from those who are privy to your struggles.  The idea that a woman simply needs to relax in order to conceive simply does not hold up.  Experiencing infertility is stressful.  Research has shown that women who are experiencing infertility report levels of anxiety and depression comparable to those experiencing life-threatening illnesses such as cancer, heart disease, and HIV.  Stress of any kind, particularly a chronic stressor, can induce a “stress-response” otherwise know as the “fight or flight” response.  This response is hard-wired into our system in order to combat real or perceived threats to our well-being.  Our brains then release neurochemicals which contribute to the physical response that helps to combat this threat.  From an evolutionary perspective, this hard-wired response likley served us well when we lived in caves, but in modern society, a misfiring of this response can take its toll on our health.  Our bodies can trigger this response for situations that are not life-threatening and therefore are, in effect, a false alarm.  Research has also shown that too many of these  false alarms can contribute to stress-related disorders over time.  Chronic stressors, such as prolonged medical issues, can have a detrimental effect not only on our emotional well-being, but on our physical well-being as well.  Seeking support during infertility can impact your ability to cope and help restore the balance so important when facing one of life’s great challenges.

Infertility can impact every aspect of your life.  In particular, it can strain relationships with friends and family.  It can impact your relationship with your partner and threaten the core of your support system.  For many couples, it is the first major life crisis that they have endured together.  Some couples experience strain in the marital relationship, while others find they simply do not have anyone who they feel truly understands what they are going through.  All of this can contribute to a diminished support system, which then leads to more feelings of isolation and depression.

One of the benefits of RESOLVE is access to support groups offerred throughout the country.  Whether professionally led or peer facilitated, the experience of sharing your thoughts and feelings with others who share a common experience can be very comforting.  This can be a way to validate your feelings when it seems as if nobody understands.  A group experience can also instill hope when it seems lost to you.  A group facilitated by a mental health professional has the advantage of being led by someone with advanced training and an expertise in the emotional aspects of infertility.  There are several different therapeutic modalities and you might want to inquire as to the type of therapy the group leader practices.  There are groups that address different aspects of the infertility experience.  You might join a group geared toward couples and the issues can arise between them as a result of treatment.  Or you might join a Mind/Body group, which can teach valuable skills such as stress management techniques.  A group run by a cognitive therapist might focus on distorted thoughts and feelings and teach you how to re-think some of the negative thoughts that contribute to anxiety and depression.

Another option is to join a peer-facilitated group led by a RESOLVE member.  These are listed in your regional newsletter and are a wonderful way to reach out and gain support.  Many women feel comfortable knowing that the group is geared towards sharing their experience in a safe place with others who understand how they feel.  If joining a group seems like a big step, call one of the RESOLVE helplines.  These are specialized so that you can speak to someone who has experienced the same aspect of infertility that you are going through.  It’s another great way to reach out and get the information that you need to help you navigate the complex world of infertility.

What makes a group work?  Much research has sought to answer this question.  One of the primary factors that contribute to the efficacy of an infertility group is the universality of the experience.  Not only is there relief in discovering that you are not alone, but there is an opportunity to share advice, information, and support to others in the group.  This can contribute to the instillation of hope that may have felt lost to you prior to joining the group.  One of the emotional benefits of group work that is often unavailable in our daily encounters is the experience of catharsis.  So many of the feelings that arise during infertility are powerful and not easily shared.  Feelings of anger and despair can feel overwhelming, and a group provides a safe place to vent and receive support along the way.  Another important aspect of being part of a group is the opportunity to help another group member who is suffering.  It can come as a pleasant surprise to realize that the fact that you have experienced infertility and are willing to share this with others can bring comfort to those who are in pain.  In sum, groups offer an opportunity to provide support, insight, and personal experience which can counteract the feelings of isolation so common in infertility.

You are not alone.  There are others who understand how you feel and RESOLVE is a great way to connect to those who can help you.  Whether reaching out to a helpline volunteer, dropping in on a peer-led group, or signing on for a fixed number of sessions with a professional, seeking support can ease the burdern of this journey, and you might even help someone else along the way.

 © Mary Riddle 2014